She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
