I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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