I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
