I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
