she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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