Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
