Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
