you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
