Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
