She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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