They should really pass out barf bags in church
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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