Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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