seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
