I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
