Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
