I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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