I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
