Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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