I can't watch pbs sober anymore
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
