So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Four minutes until I can fart!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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