I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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