it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
