Where are you?
In a non slutty way
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
