I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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