Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
