I wish I could teleport
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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