I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
