Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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