im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
