Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
