Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
