When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
