You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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