Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
