First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
