we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
