forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
im on a boat
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