I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
