I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
