That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
