And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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