I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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