Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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