I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
