i don't plan on having that self control this summer
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Ladies don't puke and tell
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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