I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
