there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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