i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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