Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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