So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My boob is missing a layer of skin
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
