I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
